2. Look beyond your own triggers. Many disagreements arise from the fact that someone is triggered by something that has been said. What is triggered is usually fear and awareness of one`s own limitations. Whatever happened in your past, you need to find a way to overcome your triggers and see that you`re in a new situation with someone who doesn`t mean you`re hurting. Your friendships can grow and thrive through this great period of change if you think about it a bit. Make sure you hear your girlfriend and try to understand where she`s from. Ask them for reading suggestions that might help you better understand their side of things, and then follow up with comments that are both humble and respectful. Ask questions and listen to their answers. You will probably be rewarded with a listening ear in return.
As a leadership coach, I spend a lot of time working with my clients and helping them deal with communication breakdowns – and really, a lot of disagreements come down to a breakdown in communication. After some time, check that the agreement has been respected and that the problem has been resolved. Take stock carefully. If the chosen solution did not work, try another one. From time to time, you may have conflicts with your friends due to different ideas, visions, or tastes. Here are a few things you can do to resolve big and small disagreements. Friendships don`t need agreement on important issues to thrive The goal of productive conversations is to develop understanding and learning (for all parties) and not tear each other apart, Trevisan says. This means no winners and no losers. „The constructive approach is to be curious and try to understand it,“ he says. To do this, you find points of agreement rather than disagreements. Sometimes interrupting the conversation when disagreements flare up or circulate is the best way to show the other person that you value your relationship.
As passionate as you may feel about the topic of conversation, it`s not the only thing you`re passionate about. Take this opportunity to switch to something you connect with and focus on that for a while. This does not mean that the doors to discussion on the other topic are closed forever; it simply means that you recognize that your differences do not need to be resolved immediately and there. Whether you disagree with your partner about when you want to have your first child, or disagree with a friend of a friend you just met at an income tax dinner, the skills required to make these two conversations worthwhile are pretty much the same, Weeks said. In every relationship, whether personal or professional, there will always be disagreements. You will never find an environment where people always agree and understand each other. This is fantasy, not reality. Heitler calls it „listening with the right ear.“ Listen to what makes sense about what the person just said instead of listening to how you can show what`s wrong, she explains. „I don`t need to have a conversation with someone I don`t agree with to get their point of view,“ Weeks says. You can read about it or learn more about it from someone else. However, if you`re trying to change that person`s mind, the purpose of that conversation isn`t to learn and understand, Weeks says. „It`s not really a conversation; it is a conference.
Follow this basic formula, Heitler explains: Okay (with some of what the other person said, which recognizes their point of view), and then add something in response. 4. Listen. In case of disagreement, it is important that both parties are heard. And that means it`s important to be a good listener – curious, open-minded and non-judgmental. A good listener pays full attention, asks for clarification if necessary, and can listen to different opinions without becoming defensive or argumentative. The best way to listen is to be silent. Then you can learn. Take the time to talk to your friend and understand their point of view. If it is a small misunderstanding, you will surely find a solution together. However, if it`s a big disagreement, you may need to assess how important the relationship is to you and whether you`re willing to make an effort to maintain it.
„Many people and even many of my friends would say that [Elizabeth`s] judgment on marriage is, by definition, a judgment against me. I can understand that point of view,“ says Mary. Conventional wisdom dictates that politics and religion are the two things we absolutely must avoid in polite conversations. But with headlines dominating the day, even the most casual conversation about pop culture can become a landmine. The first step is to decide if this conversation is worth it, Weeks says. If it`s an argument with your spouse about whether any of you will accept a job offer that requires the family to move, you need to have that conversation. But when it comes to asking a friend why she thinks abortion should be banned (and you don`t agree much), it`s worth asking yourself first why you want to have this conversation. Want to know why your girlfriend feels the way she does? Do you want to change your mind? Unfortunately, many of us avoid disagreement altogether or lose it if things don`t go our way. These 5 tips can help keep constructive disagreements – whether you`re talking to a relative, friend, or someone else: Instead of watching our friendships fall apart because of passive aggression, friendship group separation („She wouldn`t get along with my like-minded friends“), or choking at the hands of the big elephant in the room, we can take steps to ensure that these friendships thrive.
Two sisters, Elizabeth and Mary, recently wrote in The Atlantic about how they reconciled their friendship and dealt with their disagreement over the issue of gay marriage. For Mary – who is gay and married to her partner Becky – and Elizabeth, who firmly believes that marriage is something reserved for a man and a woman, this social issue is as personal as it gets. We often have to have difficult conversations about things we don`t agree on in order to find solutions, especially with family, partners and close friends, says Holly Weeks, associate professor of public policy at the Harvard Kennedy School of Government (she teaches communication problems) and author of „Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them“. It helps to have conversations with people you don`t necessarily agree with. You can develop your point of view on a topic. You could strengthen your argument to explain why you disagree. Maybe you`re learning something new about your interlocutor. And if we respect each other and behave like adults, such conversations can be really interesting. It helps put edges around the problem — and focus on the problem you need to solve, Weeks says.
„We don`t argue until we start arguing,“ she adds — and that can help keep things like „you always want to spend more than we can afford“ and „We shouldn`t have moved into such an expensive apartment“ out of the conversation. 3. Look for similarities, not differences. Working with my clients, I have found that the best way to resolve a disagreement is to look for similarities. Focusing on the differences will make the space wider, but finding out what you have in common helps bridge the gap. The next time you find yourself disagreeing, look for a point of agreement, even if you need to stretch. Participate in the resolution of the conflict. Show that you are open and interested in learning more about your friend`s position and that you want to work with them to find solutions and reconciliation. Liberal and conservative, pro-life and pro-choice, gay marriage and traditional marriage, God is love and God does not exist – never before have we had so much to tear ourselves apart.
These questions go beyond how we vote – they influence the way we live. .
